Party Rogue Dies From Cutting Himself on His Own Poisoned Edge

BALDUR’S GATE—In an event that astounded nobody anywhere, Lucius Malleus, the party’s resident dark and misunderstood rogue, suddenly succumbed to a fatal nerve toxin after accidentally cutting himself on his own edge.

“The dreary fellow was a perfect storm of all the most tiresome tropes”, remarked Gloriana “Glory” Winship, a cleric and associate of the deceased, after she had ministered the last rites. She added, “I’m hardly surprised at what happened. Lucius was telling us all about his overly dramatic backstory, full of betrayal and many desperate acts of dubious merit, when suddenly he keeled over, foaming at the mouth. There was nothing that could be done.”

“I could have sworn that Glory had lesser restoration prepared that day”, said Orion, the party’s front-line warrior. “Oh well, maybe now we can pick up a rogue who is more interested in finding traps than falling into them… narratively speaking. I mean, really, parents and grandparents murdered? And his ‘only friend’, the cat, too? Did the man ever meet a stereotype he didn’t embrace?”

At the local tavern, where Lucius was said to have practically lived even though the party had acquired a stately mansion from one of their quests, the clientele were less reserved in their thoughts.

“The durned cheat swindled me out o’ fifty golden dragons!” grumbled Thorkin the dwarf, prompting interjections of commiseration from half the regulars. Rather than pouring out a glass for their lost barstool neighbour, a flurry of spittle was expectorated. Only the hideously deformed seer sitting in the corner with a deck of divining cards seemed to show any sympathy for the deceased.

“He was shrouded in darkness, he was, but in his heart he was a good and sincere person who only wanted to—” she said before we rolled our eyes so hard we passed out.

The funeral was attended by many mysterious figures nobody had ever seen before, all wearing clothes blacker than the blackest black. Their purpose seemed to be only to ensure that Lucius went into the ground and didn’t come back up, for which we are truly thankful.


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